Milestones are fun, but people matter!

In this era of measurable outcomes, numbers are important.  How many were served?  What percentage of various ethnic groups were represented?  How much did it cost?  How long did it take?  And all of those things are important -- but not without people.  And not without each individual.

At Good Friend, Inc., we never started with a measuring stick.  We started with an idea that was born from the needs of people; more personally, two young boys with autism spectrum disorder.  Before Good Friend's Awareness. Acceptance. Empathy. motto was penned, we as mothers were doing our best to help our sons' peers to understand who they were and why they mattered.  When we did that, we broke down barriers to forming relationships.  Seeing those results, and hearing other parents' heartbreaks, made it worthwhile to pursue wider success.

From some of us (back: Pam Lara, Sarah Zubarik;
front: Ken Genin, Denise Schamens at our board meeting
earlier this month) to all of you!

So while we're excited to tell you about some milestones, please remember that YOU matter.  And your student matters.  And that's why we do any of this at all.

• Good Friend just celebrated its 7th "birthday"!
• We ALL Fit was accepted into its first film festival!
• We're officially going international! (The film festival is in Canada.)
• Our music video by The Figureheads has passed 18K views!
• We're moving into our first brick-and-mortar office next month! (Stay tuned for details about our "Grand Opening".)

Thank you for the role you played in helping us achieve these milestones.  Without your support, we could not have taken our message to more than 25K people ... and who knows how many more with the DVDs we've sold!?!

And let me bring this full-circle.  Today is my birthday, and last night, my 15-year-old son brought me flowers -- his own idea.  And while I might open his gift to me and it may be a picture of one of his special interests that he can't wait to share (because it brings him joy, therefore it must me also), those flowers are a milestone: He thought of something I like that holds no interest for him whatsoever.

May your milestones be celebrated today and always.

A week to remember

Before we even heard the song, we couldn't wait to share it.  And while we finally got that chance last Thursday, most people don't know that presentation was the culmination of two years of collaboration.  Good Friend, Inc. co-founder Denise Schamens met Greg Marshall of The Figureheads "by chance" at an area promotion.  That conversation lead to a meeting near The Figureheads' Milwaukee studio, and an exchange of ideas began.

We were so grateful that Dave Olson and Greg Marshall (back row, left) and
Miss Wisconsin Teen USA Patience Vallier (back row, center) were able to join us
at Cushing Elementary in Delafield, Wis., on Thursday, Jan. 9, for the world premiere!

To get a better feel for Good Friend's mission and impetus for our new elementary school film project, Greg attended our May, 2012, Community Conversation: Meaningful Inclusion in Elementary School, sacrificing time with his family to be with us.  While we continued to spread the word about our vision, busyness with our research study postponed forward motion on the film and music until the spring of 2013.  Last summer, the script was written, the funds were raised, the cast was chosen, and the filming completed.  We had shared progress with Jeremy Bryan and Greg, who in turn shared it with Dave Olson.  The Figureheads' musical component was our missing puzzle piece.  Until it wasn't.

It was on Sept. 17 that we heard the song for the first time -- and we were in love.  Though it wasn't what Denise and I were expecting, it was exactly what it needed to be.  And as it turned out, the song's title was the same as the short film's -- "We ALL Fit".

Get a shirt to commemorate the song and film --
just like the cast and crew wore at the premiere! http://www.goodfriendinc.com/store.php

Most of the student cast of the short film returned to be the ensemble cast of the music video, which Denise directed and Scott Dahm filmed with assistance from Michael Foucault.  Tim Miller worked with Denise on the video editing after Dave recorded additional singers Noelle Budde (my daughter), Evelyn Barta, and Regan Carter at his studio, mixing it all into the magical anthem it has become.  The single is available for download on iTunes and Amazon MP3, and is streaming on Spotify, to name a few outlets.

So, yes -- it's incredible that the news story our local FOX affiliate aired has been shared more than 1,000 times in the last week.  And, yes -- we're thrilled that our song promoting autism acceptance and bullying prevention has been viewed more than 6,000 times on YouTube.  But what makes our hearts soar is hearing from you.  What does this song mean to you?  How have you shared it?  How do you plan to use this song to make a difference at your school and/or in your community?

Great opportunity for siblings of students with neurological differences!

For more than six years, Good Friend has been spreading its message about autism awareness, acceptance, and empathy to those who surround students with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).  Along the way, and within co-founder Denise Schamens' own family, the unique challenges that the siblings of children with ASD face have become more visible to us as an organization.  That made us especially grateful to the Autism Society of Southeastern Wisconsin for hosting a Sibshop facilitator training event  by Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project, last spring in Milwaukee.

Speaker and author Don Meyer is a pioneer in the sibling movement; he has been at its forefront for more than 25 years.  He recognized the unique concerns and strengths of siblings of children with special needs ("sibs") and decided to do something to support them.  Siblings benefit, he says, from getting to know other sibs, taking in some information, being able to ask questions, and sharing the experience – good, bad or indifferent.

Sibshops offers a model intervention for sibling support, learning and fun.  It recognizes and reinforces a strengths-based approach. It also promotes relationship building between sibs through a variety of games and activities.  They reflect a belief that brothers and sisters have much to offer one another – if they are given a chance.

Sibshops are good for the soul.  They enrich the lives of the group leaders, sibling participants, and families as a whole.  They heighten public awareness that sibs matter and should not be an afterthought when it comes to supporting families of people with disabilities.

Good Friend is proud to announce our collaborative effort with Carroll University to provide Sibshops to sibs ages 8-13, who have a brother or sister with neurologically-based differences (ASD, cognitive disability, mental health challenges, etc.).  This is not to say that other disabilities aren't equally worthy of Sibshops, but that Good Friend's expertise lies in this area.

Events for the 2013-'14 school year will be held at the beautiful Carroll University Center for Graduate Studies, located at 2140 Davidson Rd., Waukesha, Wis.  Dates are Saturday mornings, starting in October: Oct. 5, Nov. 2, Dec. 7, Jan. 11, Feb. 1, (no March event) April 5, and May 3.  Each workshop will be from 9:00 a.m. to 12 noon, with a snack provided.  Registration fee is $15 per workshop or three for $30.  (In case of financial hardship that makes the registration fee prohibitive, please let us know.)

Please contact Denise Schamens for more info or to register for one or multiple dates!

Our mission power words are "Awareness Acceptance Empathy".  We teach peers in the schools to be good friends to someone with autism (and/or another brain-based disability).  Now it's time to be Good Friends to the sibs!  By educating, supporting and fostering friendships, we hope to help these precious children in their lifelong journey as Super Siblings!

We leave you with some insight from Super Sibs, as captured in Don Meyers' The Sibling Slam Book: What It's Really Like to Have a Brother or Sister with Special Needs (Woodbine House, 2005):

What life lesson have you learned from being a sib?

• “To be understanding of other people’s difficulties, and have empathy for those who – through no fault of their own – are faced with enormous challenges, and to value each person’s unique attributes.” (Jenna H., 17)
• “That no matter what I do he will always be there for me.  He’s my special light in the darkness; there when all other lights go out.” (Kathryn C., 14)

What’s the toughest thing about being a sib?

• “Having to worry about the future of your sib.”  (Melisandre P., 14)
• “I think it’s watching her fail.  The look in her eyes would send a full-grown man into tears.  Or her being denied opportunities that other kids have.” (Erin G., 14)
• “Knowing that I will be able to do certain things someday that my sib probably won’t get to experience, like going to college, driving, or even living on my own.” (Emily P., 13)

What about being a Good Friend to a very special sibling?

Good Friend co-founder Denise Schamens writes today's blog ...

Having three children was something I wanted after my two boys were born.  I hoped that my girl would come with our last attempt.  We were excited to find out at five months that a daughter was on the way!

Little did I realize, people were already talking: "Why would she have another after having a son diagnosed with autism? Is she crazy?"  As shocked as I was to hear about this chatter, I realized that the challenges that I faced with my middle son would be pressed on my other two children -- whether they wanted it or not.  My insecure side questioned the choices we made with having a third, but my confident side soon won over.  I decided bringing two more confident, accepting, unique and enlightened individuals into this world would be all worth the pain that they may have to endure by having a brother with autism.

I was right! I wouldn’t have it any other way.  It hasn’t been an easy journey so far, but when I see them all together at their best, it melts my heart!  To hear my oldest stick up and protect his brother, no matter what, helps me realize that as difficult as it has been for him, he is shaping up to be just what I had dreamed him to be. 

I trust that the example that my husband and I set, regarding acceptance and educating others on what this disability entails, has been helpful for him as he tries to figure out how he fits into all of this.  Insecurity and social situations are difficult for my oldest and he struggles to find his own place in the world.  But I took some time recently to sit down and find out how he feels about all of this.  

With a sigh of relief, I can say he doesn’t have deep, unfulfilled anger or resentment about his brother or the situation.  His biggest gripe centers around scheduling: Because of his brother's therapy schedule or inability to handle certain situations, he may not be able to go somewhere he planned.  He has never lost friends due to his brother having autism, nor has he ever wanted to leave our home because it felt uncomfortable or embarrassing.  If anything, our home has become a magnet for his friends and a safe place for them to come and be accepted no matter their own situations. 

I do realize that this isn’t the case for some siblings, but I have to believe that the way we as parents have handled the diagnosis, accepted it, and worked tirelessly to help others understand has equipped my neuro-typical children to cope in ways that will strengthen who they are and who they will be.

Though she's now in her 20s, Maureen (@MaureenSupersib on Twitter) continues to write about her experiences with her sibling with autism and parents through her blog.  Her insight for adolescents who have a friend with a sibling with autism is rare and wonderful, and she's kind enough to share with us. 

Here are some tips I have about someone who's a friend of a (super)sibling of a person with autism: 

• I need a friend who's not going to assume they understand what it's like to live with a sibling with autism. You may have your own family drama going on at home, but I am in a completely different and unique situation, and I need that to be respected. 

• A sign of a really great friend is not being afraid to interact with my sibling -- otherwise I'll feel weird about having you over to our house and it will make me sad that you seem like you're afraid of him. 

• It's totally fine to ask questions (especially if it helps give you more perspective on autism and on my life) as long as they are intelligent and sensitive questions (like, don't ask, "Is it like Rain Man?"). 

• NEVER NEVER NEVER use the R-word in a negative way or make fun of anyone with a disability around me. I mean, don't do it at all, really, but if you do that in front of me, our friendship will be questioned.  

• Invite me OUT.  I need a break from everything going on at home, especially if my parents have limited resources to help us all cope with the challenges of our family dynamic.  I like to feel like I could have a "normal" life sometimes. 

We all have different ways of coping with our emotions about a situation.  I am doing a book study right now with my husband on being Married with Special-Needs Children: A Couples' Guide to Keeping Connected (Laura E. Marshak, Ph.D., and Fran Pollock Prezant, M.Ed., CCC-SLP; Woodbine House, 2007).  I believe that what I am learning from this book and through this study can be applied to my children, who are siblings to someone with special needs.

The Basic Components of a Healthy Marriage can also apply to the Basic Components of a Healthy Family.

• Connectedness through time, affection both verbal and physical 

• Skills in communication and conflict resolution 

• Tolerance and respect for each other despite flaws 

• Being a team and being adaptable to changing circumstances 

• Commitment to the family (p. 22)

A big part of being a sibling to someone with autism has to do with genuinely looking out for each other and recognizing small ways to make each other’s life a bit smoother.  Treat each other as unique individuals.  If the parents or caretakers are in a healthy place and striving for peace, I believe we will be teaching our children to speak up and work to achieve a fulfilling life with their sibling with autism -- and maybe teach the world about true acceptance!