Talking to Children about Talking

A couple weeks ago, I was with my 12-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son at a public park pool in our community.  It's generally a great place to connect with friends from school.  But not all children are friendly -- or at least they say some pretty unfriendly things.  One group of 14ish-year-olds made my son particularly upset when he tried to interact with them.  Seeing his anguish, a couple of them initiated personal apologies to him on their own.  And while that social bravery was impressive, it was like this illustration:

So while I'm thinking about it, I'd love to share with you parents and summer day camp directors and staff members a top five talking points list about encouraging healthy social interaction in the community -- especially because around 15% of the children they encounter will have some neurological difference, or invisible disability.

1. We are all different.  Some differences you can see, like hair color or wearing glasses.  Others you can't, because they're based in the brain.  Brain-based differences cause some children to perceive parts of their world ways most other people do not.  There's nothing "wrong" with their perception; it's just different.
2. While we are all different, we all want to belong.  Some kids are better at expressing their desire to be friends than others.  No matter what, no child wants to be told to "Go away" or hear "Leave me alone" when they're trying to make a social connection.  If you're already hanging out with a group of friends, consider inviting the child who approached you to hang out, too -- even if it's just for a few minutes.
3. If the child who approached you to play says something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him or her in a matter-of-fact but helpful way.  Better yet, give them a more appropriate thing to say or question to ask.  Often times, children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) have fewer social tools in their tool box, or may use them in a clumsy way.  They're trying; be respectful of their attempts, but also aware of your own boundaries.
4. Really consider how you would want to be treated if you were brought into a place where you didn't know anybody.  Some of your friends might think it's funny to mess with someone with a brain-based difference.  They might not think right away about how that child is understanding others' intentions. This might just seem playful to you or to them, but it's really called disability harassment; and it's against the law.
5. If you see or hear someone being treated in an unkind way, please bring it to the attention of a nearby responsible adult.  If that's at the pool, it's a lifeguard.  If it's at camp, it's a counselor.  Everyone has a right to feel safe and respected in our community.  At all times.  No matter what.

I am sure we all want our children to be good citizens.  I know that parents aren't always aware of how their children behave in a loosely-supervised social groups.  Remember that social emotional instruction is continuous and just as important this summer as finding a good book to read.

Pretending to be "normal"

Whether your neighborhood hosted trick-or-treaters already, or is gearing up for the swarm of costumed kiddos later this week, this is a time when many of us celebrate our children pretending to be other than who (or what) they are.  Sometimes the costumes are so elaborate or concealing, we cannot recognize our pals.  And some characters even assume their costumed persona while at the party or collecting candy.  There is, of course, no expectation that such charades will continue past Halloween.

Unfortunately, some individuals with autism feel as if we neurotypicals are asking them to engage in a perpetual charade.  Author and advocate Sarah Stup writes, "With too much asking us to be normal, we feel like impostors."  While I loved Miss Montana (2012) Alexis Wineman's platform for the 2013 pageant, "Normal is just a dryer setting," I recognize that as a parent I once had a goal for my children with ASD to be "normal".  I wanted them to be unrecognizable from their peers in the classroom.  What a foolish and narrow-minded aspiration.  One I'm glad the parents of Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, and other great minds, whose genius was inextricably tied to their suspected autism, didn't hold too tightly.

I am not suggesting that we don't push our children to be the best they can be.  Rather, I am insisting we respect who they are.

Consider how we all have to differentiate our choices based on environments and audiences.  When you're in the library, you respond to your environment differently than when you're at a parade.  When you're dressing for the symphony, it's likely in more formal attire than for your son's soccer game.  When you're interacting with your 8-year-old child's friends at her party, you adjust from the way you were interacting with your colleagues at work hours earlier.  Some of these adaptations are uncomfortable for us, and we breathe a sigh of relief when we can be "ourselves" again with the ones we love on our own "turf".

Yet those are all environments and circumstances that we choose.  Granted, we have more autonomy as adults, which is developmentally appropriate.  Naturally, children have less authority.  But they should not have less entitlement to being who they are.

If you want your child to be in a Scout troop to enhance his or her social ability, be sure your child has adequate support and preparation to participate in manner consistent with existing function.  If you want your child to be part of the extended family portrait, allow him to wear clothes that he prefers.  If you believe your child with autism should attend her cousin's wedding, don't expect her to be able to sit for an amount of time beyond what she's demonstrated to be comfortable for her.

These outings are all lovely ideas, and may have real benefit.  But think inclusively: What can you share with event coordinators that might make the event better received by everyone?  What adaptations can you make to respect your loved one with autism's limitations while leveraging her strengths?  Because asking your loved one with autism to pretend to be "normal" (whatever that means) is just not dignified.

So enjoy the extra-ordinary masquerade that is October.  But if you're still asking your student to don a figurative mask beyond the 31st, examine your motivations and appreciate the real person behind the facade.  And encourage others around him to do so as well.  Together, you can help him be the best him he can be!