Celebrating Jeff's Decade of Service to GFI!

Good Friend magic happens only because we have a team of people who believe in our vision of Autism Understanding through Respectful Education. Part of that team includes our volunteer Board of Directors.

Jeff Schill, who once attended college with GFI co-founder Chelsea Budde, uses his professional superpowers at Crisis Prevention Institute. His position at CPI allowed him to reconnect with Chelsea back in 2009 at a national autism conference. Without hesitation, he agreed to lend his expertise to our mission through service on our Board.

Please join us in extending appreciation for the many hours Jeff has dedicated to GFI over the last decade!

'Of course you should understand me!'

If you're a long-time reader of this blog, you know that much of what we (Good Friend, Inc. co-founders Chelsea Budde and Denise Schamens) write about comes from personal experience.  Whether it's something we've encountered while "in the field" or in our own homes, raising children with differently-wired brains, it's often illustrative of a greater truth or broader concept.

For example, when I took my son back to his diagnosing neuropsychologist for a re-evaluation, she reminded me the importance of teaching everything -- using opportunities to describe emotions, perspectives.  So along those lines, when I or my husband does something "above and beyond" the call of duty, so to speak (Is there really any such thing?), for our son, we ask him, "Why would I do that?"  And he responds, "Because you love me."  It can be hard for him to remember that we love him when we're pushing him outside his comfort zone, so we like to rehearse this concept in moments of satisfied calm.

Recently, I unraveled a mystery about my boy before he did.  He was somewhat surprised by this.  I asked, "How do you think I knew that?"  Observing that he was unable to come up with an answer, I replied, "Because I understand you.  I've taken the time to listen and think about who you are, so I understand."

Quickly, he blurted out, from a parted wry smile, wagging his head with his hand on his hip, "Of course you should understand me!"  And while I laughed at first at his teenage 'tude, I realized how profoundly true that is.  And my heart broke a little for all the children whose caregivers don't understand them.  (To be fair, I don't always understand everything my son does or thinks or feels, because I'm not inside his body.  But I play detective when I don't understand to come up with a plausible explanation.)

In a HuffPost Entertainment blog article published last week by Caroline Presno, she quotes Dancing with the Stars' Tony Dovolani: "Anybody that has an autistic child or has one in their family, should take some time to get to know them because their life will be enriched by it."

And while our enrichment as people without autism shouldn't be the motivator to understand our loved ones and students with autism, it is a marvelous benefit.  Going back to The Figureheads' "We ALL Fit" lyrics -- "so much beauty unexpected."

We should take the time to understand our students and loved ones with autism because they deserve to be understood.  They are no less worthy of a comfortable environment, accessible education, social relationships, recreational opportunities, freedom of communication, quality mental and physical healthcare, and assertion of self-will than we are.

Communities have to build themselves on that inclusive foundation.  It will drive policies regarding human services and direct funding -- because we know people with autism are worthy.  

Good Friend, Inc., is just one small organization doing its part to reach children as young as 5 with that awareness-acceptance-empathy message.  Thanks for doing your part, too.

Milestones are fun, but people matter!

In this era of measurable outcomes, numbers are important.  How many were served?  What percentage of various ethnic groups were represented?  How much did it cost?  How long did it take?  And all of those things are important -- but not without people.  And not without each individual.

At Good Friend, Inc., we never started with a measuring stick.  We started with an idea that was born from the needs of people; more personally, two young boys with autism spectrum disorder.  Before Good Friend's Awareness. Acceptance. Empathy. motto was penned, we as mothers were doing our best to help our sons' peers to understand who they were and why they mattered.  When we did that, we broke down barriers to forming relationships.  Seeing those results, and hearing other parents' heartbreaks, made it worthwhile to pursue wider success.

From some of us (back: Pam Lara, Sarah Zubarik;
front: Ken Genin, Denise Schamens at our board meeting
earlier this month) to all of you!

So while we're excited to tell you about some milestones, please remember that YOU matter.  And your student matters.  And that's why we do any of this at all.

• Good Friend just celebrated its 7th "birthday"!
• We ALL Fit was accepted into its first film festival!
• We're officially going international! (The film festival is in Canada.)
• Our music video by The Figureheads has passed 18K views!
• We're moving into our first brick-and-mortar office next month! (Stay tuned for details about our "Grand Opening".)

Thank you for the role you played in helping us achieve these milestones.  Without your support, we could not have taken our message to more than 25K people ... and who knows how many more with the DVDs we've sold!?!

And let me bring this full-circle.  Today is my birthday, and last night, my 15-year-old son brought me flowers -- his own idea.  And while I might open his gift to me and it may be a picture of one of his special interests that he can't wait to share (because it brings him joy, therefore it must me also), those flowers are a milestone: He thought of something I like that holds no interest for him whatsoever.

May your milestones be celebrated today and always.

Reasonable Accommodations

My family and I are on vacation.  We are visiting theme parks and family, splitting up when we need to for the well-being of our kiddos on the spectrum.  My 15-year-old son in particular has a number of "rules" he's self-imposed to protect against sensory assaults and general violations.  One is that he cannot get his shirt wet.

When you're in Florida in the summer, you WANT to get wet.  (It's 100 shades of hot down here.)  So as much as my son wanted to get wet in a theme park on a ride with water features, he could not tolerate sacrificing the dryness of his shirt for the cooler sensation.  In anticipation of boarding the ride's transport, he removed his shirt.  The attendant informed him he'd have to put it on for the ride.  I flashed our accommodation pass and told the attendant that my son had autism and could not get his shirt wet for sensory reasons.  He insisted that if his shirt were off, he could not be in the park.

We graciously bowed out of the line after waiting for a stifling 35 minutes, watching the rest of our party enjoy the ride.  And I tweeted my discontent, believing that this inflexibility was denying an Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) promised "reasonable accommodation".  The response was, "we only allow this [men's shirts off] in the Water Park to ensure comfort for all guests". Sure -- all guests except those with autism and sensory issues.

Here's how this applies to you: Be flexible. I am not sure there would have been a person in that ride transport who would have been uncomfortable with a shirtless teen boy -- certainly not if we were willing to communicate the reason for the (potentially offensive) upper body nudity. But the park had decided that it's better to deny access than to be flexible for someone with a disability. Don't get me wrong; the park policy to be accommodating for people with mobility impairments and neurological differences is in place when it comes to boarding rides. It just doesn't extend to attire regulations.


So when it comes to the rules of your classroom and the expectations of your school campus, understand that the spirit of the ADA should allow for reasonable accommodations. Maybe it's realizing that your incoming kindergartener is going to need to hang onto his favorite comfort item for transitions. Perhaps it's allowing your middle schooler to choose a different Phy Ed uniform than the routinely issued one. It could even be that your student needs to demonstrate her competence in an alternate assessment. These are all reasonable accommodations. They are not safety infractions or otherwise illegal.


And if another student or faculty member challenges the accommodation, remind him or her that, "Fair isn't everybody getting the same thing. Fair is everybody getting what they need in order to be successful."

Talking to Children about Talking

A couple weeks ago, I was with my 12-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son at a public park pool in our community.  It's generally a great place to connect with friends from school.  But not all children are friendly -- or at least they say some pretty unfriendly things.  One group of 14ish-year-olds made my son particularly upset when he tried to interact with them.  Seeing his anguish, a couple of them initiated personal apologies to him on their own.  And while that social bravery was impressive, it was like this illustration:

So while I'm thinking about it, I'd love to share with you parents and summer day camp directors and staff members a top five talking points list about encouraging healthy social interaction in the community -- especially because around 15% of the children they encounter will have some neurological difference, or invisible disability.

1. We are all different.  Some differences you can see, like hair color or wearing glasses.  Others you can't, because they're based in the brain.  Brain-based differences cause some children to perceive parts of their world ways most other people do not.  There's nothing "wrong" with their perception; it's just different.
2. While we are all different, we all want to belong.  Some kids are better at expressing their desire to be friends than others.  No matter what, no child wants to be told to "Go away" or hear "Leave me alone" when they're trying to make a social connection.  If you're already hanging out with a group of friends, consider inviting the child who approached you to hang out, too -- even if it's just for a few minutes.
3. If the child who approached you to play says something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him or her in a matter-of-fact but helpful way.  Better yet, give them a more appropriate thing to say or question to ask.  Often times, children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) have fewer social tools in their tool box, or may use them in a clumsy way.  They're trying; be respectful of their attempts, but also aware of your own boundaries.
4. Really consider how you would want to be treated if you were brought into a place where you didn't know anybody.  Some of your friends might think it's funny to mess with someone with a brain-based difference.  They might not think right away about how that child is understanding others' intentions. This might just seem playful to you or to them, but it's really called disability harassment; and it's against the law.
5. If you see or hear someone being treated in an unkind way, please bring it to the attention of a nearby responsible adult.  If that's at the pool, it's a lifeguard.  If it's at camp, it's a counselor.  Everyone has a right to feel safe and respected in our community.  At all times.  No matter what.

I am sure we all want our children to be good citizens.  I know that parents aren't always aware of how their children behave in a loosely-supervised social groups.  Remember that social emotional instruction is continuous and just as important this summer as finding a good book to read.

Teachers Who Make a Difference

It's the last week of school in our district, and my own children have been through tremendous transitions this year.  In the hands of less capable educators, this week might have felt very different for us.  I have had school years as a mom -- and I'm sure you teachers and students have had them, too -- when you're just grateful the year is OVER.  Scrounging for a scrap of fabulous with which to redeem the missed opportunities can be emotionally exhausting.  But this year, I could fill a book with victorious vignettes.

I don't know how I didn't hear of it sooner, but the responsive poem by author-advocate Taylor Mali regarding "What Teachers Make" struck a chord deep in my heart when one of my daughter's classmates shared excerpts from it at their year-end celebration this week.  And as I wrote out individually the twenty (yes, when you have two kids with special needs, the numbers add up!) notes for teacher gifts, there was one in particular that got the waterworks going.

To understand why, I have to back up the timeline.  My son started high school this year, and at the new parent orientation the preceding winter, I was expecting to understand how my boy would fit into the school culture.  His autism and mental health challenges can be obstacles to social acceptance, but when the social emotional conditions are favorable in a school community, they generally are not immoveable barriers.  After that orientation, I left feeling as if students like my boy were either an afterthought or no consideration at all in the school culture.  There was plenty talk of AP courses and athletics, but very little about different abilities.  There was talk about embracing racial and socio-economic diversity, but none about neuro-diversity.

Contacts with key people at the school and district were promising, but everyone's busy.  And this isn't their mission.  But it is mine, as a parent-professional.  So I got busy.

This wasn't a year of jumping into the social emotional current with both feet.  It was a year of studying the river and dipping in toes.  It was a year of learning the landscape and befriending the natives.  And we found a tribe for my boy.

So the thank you note that I wrote to this teacher, as the advisor of my son's newfound tribe, was the one that made me cry.  Because, you see -- he helped create a community of acceptance for this one kid.  This one student who I thought might be forgotten.  Left out.  Not included.  But he was accepted and included.  And it makes a difference.  Forever.

I know the good administrators and educators like this one never stop thinking and planning.  So for all of you difference-makers out there, really consider this summer how you can be more inclusive of students with neurologically diverse experiences.  Because there are a lot more moms like me who love nothing more than a good end-of-the-school-year cry.

Good News: Red Carpet Premiere Party was a HUGE success!

Seems like Good Friend, Inc.'s hometown of Waukesha, Wis., has been the epicenter for a lot of bad news over the last few days.  Let me tell you some good news that will warm your heart.  And let me replace those sad images with inspiring ones.

On Wednesday, May 28, we welcomed joyfully more than 200 community members from southeastern Wisconsin to northern Illinois, from toddlers to retirees, to be part of a culmination of dreams and fulfillment of miracles.  More than 30 VIPs -- cast and crew members from We ALL Fit, dressed in their finest attire -- walked the red carpet at Marcus Majestic, right on the Waukesha/Brookfield edge.

As the program got underway in the packed auditorium, we explained "silent clapping" to our guests: instead of making a lot of noise that might be startling and uncomfortable for some of our guests, we opted to raise our hands in the air and shake them to demonstrate our appreciation.  And there was a lot of appreciating going on that night.

We appreciated fathers who support their
sons, regardless of their differences.

We appreciated families who make autism
awareness, acceptance, and empathy a joint effort.

We appreciated title sponsor AutoZone (staff members lower left
corner), whose Milwaukee regional manager Tony Blackmer
decided to pick up the tab for the venue on Good Friend's behalf.

We appreciated moms who cry as they think about
what this film means to the community at large.

We appreciated families and friends and neighbors
enjoying a rare night out at the movies.

We appreciated that people with autism are extraordinary,
often possessing amazing skills, like playing One Direction
songs on the recorder.

We hope you have an opportunity to see our latest autism peer sensitivity film soon.  We ALL Fit is now available on DVD through our website store.  We are also receptive to doing free community screenings around Wisconsin and northern Illinois.  If you think you can get at least 40 guests to attend, contact me (chelsea@goodfriendinc.com) and we'll set something up.

We appreciated our young stars, some
of whom just needed someone to believe
in them in order to believe in themselves.

Talking about an ASD Diagnosis

Following a recent Good Friend Peer Sensitivity Workshop, an observer remarked how she had seen similar presentations about autism, but the presenter never actually used the word "autism".  I thought that was much like talking about reproduction without mentioning the sex organs: not very helpful, and one leaves with more questions than useful information.  I believe parents of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) should approach "the talk" about autism in much the same way they would "the talk" about those reproductive and sexuality issues.  You don't divulge every detail at once, but continually reveal and unpack details as they become relevant.

Though this quotation is often attributed to Albert Einstein,
there is no evidence that's accurate. So let this say
what it will to you in light of this discussion topic.

For example, a 4-year-old with autism might be receiving some sort of therapy as an intervention for related symptoms.  It's okay to let your child know that the lady he sees at school helps him with making words.  A 10-year-old on the spectrum might be struggling with the dance unit in Phy Ed.  It's a great idea to explain that sometimes gross motor coordination (moving big muscle groups) is difficult for her, but she's amazing at memorizing details -- and both are tied to the way her brain is wired.

Because by the time a 13-year-old with ASD is contemplating suicide because he doesn't understand why he's so different and/or being bullied by his peers, you've missed some crucial opportunities to foster self-awareness.

Of course, not all adolescents with ASD will despair of their lives. In fact, the majority will not. However, a study published by Penn State College of Medicine's Angela Gorman, Assistant Professor of Child Psychiatry, and researchers, as reported by Science Daily (March 13, 2013), sets off some important warnings:

The researchers found that the percentage of children with autism rated by their parents as sometimes to very often contemplating or attempting suicide was 28 times greater than that of typical children, though three times less than that of depressed non-autistic children. The four demographic variables [Black or Hispanic, 10 years old or older, socioeconomic status and male] were significant risk factors, as well. 

"That was probably the most important piece of the study," said Gorman. "If you fell into any of those categories and were rated to be autistic by a parent, the more categories you were a part of increased your chances for experiencing suicidal ideation or attempts."

The study also notes that children with ASD who were teased or bullied were more likely to consider or attempt suicide.  An essay in this month's Good Housekeeping magazine by Jackie Mercurio is a painful vignette of that reality.

If you've been following any of the #IMFAR2014 chatter, you might have gleaned that Marsha Mailick, director of the Waisman Center (Madison, Wis.), spoke in her keynote address at the International Society for Autism Research Conference about parent positivity as a powerful determinant of quality of life for adults with ASD, per her research.

What does all this mean for you as a parent?  In my opinion, your child has the right to know about his or her autism.  But I encourage you to keep some things in mind when you decide to have "the talk":

• Your child will take cues about how to feel about autism from you.  If you're not okay with it, don't expect him/her to be, either.
• Keep your side of the conversation hopeful, positive, and accepting.  As you explain a struggle connected to autism, be sure to remind about a strength, too.
• Validate your child's feelings.  Unless you have autism, too, you don't really know what it's like to live with autism in your body.  Don't minimize what your child is experiencing, whether physically or emotionally.  
• This is an ongoing conversation.  Look for opportunities to add depth, connection, and meaning to the foundation you lay.  Maybe read Jennifer Elder's Different Like Me or listen to The Figureheads' "We ALL Fit" or visit Carly Fleischmann's Café.
• You have LOTS to learn from your child with autism, too!  Often times, the one who needs perspective-taking is the one who does NOT have autism.  We each assume others' sensory experiences and social preferences are similar to our own.  That can be dangerous.
• Look for ways to help your child find his or her "tribe".  It's about the coolest thing ever to observe the interactions between people of similar neurology and realize they have a profound culture all their own.  Encouraging inclusion doesn't mean that you remove your child's autistic manifestations to "fit into" a world created by the majority neurology.  It means you recognize those manifestations of autism and consider them across environments, encouraging systemic changes that will foster meaningful participation.

I recognize that telling your child about his or her autism is your right as a parent.  Please -- consider your child's right to self-awareness and the importance of self-advocacy as you decide what information to sequester.

And let's learn from each other!  For those with autism, do you remember being specifically told you had been diagnosed with ASD?  For parents, do you have some encouraging remarks about your experience with your child on the spectrum learning about his/her neurology?  For educators and administrators, how have you seen self-awareness benefit your students with ASD?

Kids say the loveliest things!

Like many other states, Wisconsin has had a tough winter.  In fact, it interfered with preparation for a recent student service at an elementary school.

Generally, we send a presentation kit to the host school ahead of our visit so staff and students can prepare to receive Good Friend's Awareness-Acceptance-Empathy® message.  Part of the kit for students in grades 2 through 5 participating in a Peer Sensitivity Workshop is a bundle of blank, colored notecards.  Teachers distribute these ahead of time and encourage students to write their questions about autism on the cards anonymously.  We collect the cards before students watch our video and review them so we can address any topics that haven't already been covered during the workshop in those last 15 minutes.

But on this day, the students had enjoyed a four-day weekend because of the bitter cold.  The staff didn't have time to distribute the cards and discuss their purpose.  To save time, I encouraged the students to write down any questions or comments they had for me during or immediately after the workshop, and then requested that the teacher return the cards to me so I could address any remaining questions.

There are few things as precious as a young child's handwriting, so you need to see these for yourself!

Kids don't just "get it", and they so appreciate when someone helps them understand!

Making an impact

Whether it's as an employee or a parent, do you ever wonder, "Am I really making an impact?  Is the effort I'm giving returning anything?"  I know when my children were younger and I was home with them, some of those days seemed awfully long.  I'd change my shirt for the third time that day because it smelled like the more unpleasant of baby scents and recall with longing the kudos of a client who appreciated a job well done.  I began to wonder what my life would be like once my children were in school full-time and I could return to "work".  Those thoughts came when I wasn't paying attention to what mattered, because I most certainly was making an impact -- in the lives of my family.

Fast-forward a dozen years and I'm seeing another kind of impact.  I'm seeing the impact a foundation has on a nonprofit organization like Good Friend, Inc., when it sends a grant check.  I wish the board directors from the Janice & Raymond Perry Community Fund, Pieper Electric, Inc./Ideal Mechanical, the Green Bay Packers Foundation, the Tracy Family Foundation, the Dorothy Inbusch Foundation, and Potawatomi's Miracle on Canal Street were in the room when I opened the envelopes from them with our grants over the last two months!  Each time, I was so grateful for their support, knowing what an impact we'll be able to make in the lives of students because of these gifts.

Here are some examples from recent weeks:
The mom of a 10-year-old boy with autism sent in this picture.

Her son explained, "After seeing that video, I kinda decided, well, that was pretty interesting. So I decided to make a slogan out of something. So I settled on ZOOBs. At first, it was all reds and greens, but then when I needed something for the dot on the exclamation point, the only thing I could find was two yellows. And then I realized that to make the point stronger, I should use every color in the sentence. So I made an underline out of all of the pieces, but then I decided to change some of the parts of the letters that could be swapped. The end result is the picture. I really hope you enjoyed it as I enjoyed the video."

Here's how the video impacted Nicole: "As a mother of a 10-year-old autistic boy who has often had difficulties with the puzzle piece image, I was pleasantly surprised to watch your video We ALL Fit. I really like that it uses the puzzle metaphor to reference ALL of us in the world, not just autistic people, and how important it is for us to connect. After I showed the video to my son, he said was inspired to make this creation after watching the video. Thank you for spreading the world that we are all connected and we do all fit."

A woman was driving three children -- her son and two young friends, one of whom has autism and likes talking about her brain-based difference.  The 5-year-old friend didn't really understand what she was talking about, and asked what autism was.  The 6-year-old son started quoting the second verse of "We ALL Fit" to explain. "Autism isn't something that you catch ..." As mom listened, she recognized the lyrics.  She says, "When I called him out on it, he laughed and asked to listen to the song. So we did."

Last fall, a mother had contacted me by email with a sad story about her daughter with autism being misunderstood and bullied at her school.  She was hopeful about this school year, since a new administrator and classroom teacher were happy to welcome us to conduct a Peer Sensitivity Workshop for all sections of her grade.  Following the third grade student training earlier this month, mom wrote, "I just wanted to share with you all that when I picked A up yesterday, she said that she had kids actually coming up to her and asking to play with her. This is the very first time she has ever experienced this. She said it made her so happy.  She spent the rest of the day on cloud nine and telling everyone she loved them."

Thank you for helping us make an impact!  Keep sharing your uplifting stories with us!

A week to remember

Before we even heard the song, we couldn't wait to share it.  And while we finally got that chance last Thursday, most people don't know that presentation was the culmination of two years of collaboration.  Good Friend, Inc. co-founder Denise Schamens met Greg Marshall of The Figureheads "by chance" at an area promotion.  That conversation lead to a meeting near The Figureheads' Milwaukee studio, and an exchange of ideas began.

We were so grateful that Dave Olson and Greg Marshall (back row, left) and
Miss Wisconsin Teen USA Patience Vallier (back row, center) were able to join us
at Cushing Elementary in Delafield, Wis., on Thursday, Jan. 9, for the world premiere!

To get a better feel for Good Friend's mission and impetus for our new elementary school film project, Greg attended our May, 2012, Community Conversation: Meaningful Inclusion in Elementary School, sacrificing time with his family to be with us.  While we continued to spread the word about our vision, busyness with our research study postponed forward motion on the film and music until the spring of 2013.  Last summer, the script was written, the funds were raised, the cast was chosen, and the filming completed.  We had shared progress with Jeremy Bryan and Greg, who in turn shared it with Dave Olson.  The Figureheads' musical component was our missing puzzle piece.  Until it wasn't.

It was on Sept. 17 that we heard the song for the first time -- and we were in love.  Though it wasn't what Denise and I were expecting, it was exactly what it needed to be.  And as it turned out, the song's title was the same as the short film's -- "We ALL Fit".

Get a shirt to commemorate the song and film --
just like the cast and crew wore at the premiere! http://www.goodfriendinc.com/store.php

Most of the student cast of the short film returned to be the ensemble cast of the music video, which Denise directed and Scott Dahm filmed with assistance from Michael Foucault.  Tim Miller worked with Denise on the video editing after Dave recorded additional singers Noelle Budde (my daughter), Evelyn Barta, and Regan Carter at his studio, mixing it all into the magical anthem it has become.  The single is available for download on iTunes and Amazon MP3, and is streaming on Spotify, to name a few outlets.

So, yes -- it's incredible that the news story our local FOX affiliate aired has been shared more than 1,000 times in the last week.  And, yes -- we're thrilled that our song promoting autism acceptance and bullying prevention has been viewed more than 6,000 times on YouTube.  But what makes our hearts soar is hearing from you.  What does this song mean to you?  How have you shared it?  How do you plan to use this song to make a difference at your school and/or in your community?

"We ALL Fit" single release!

In 10 days, on Thursday, January 9, 2014, at 10 a.m., some 500 teachers, students, administrators, community stakeholders, and cast members will gather at Cushing Elementary in Delafield, Wis., to see the "We ALL Fit" music video by The Figureheads for the first time.  Following the world premiere event, the video will be available on YouTube and the single (featuring Noelle Budde, Evelyn Barta, and Regan Carter) will be available through online music outlets.  Like our Facebook page to get the links after the premiere.

Since space is limited for the premiere and reception to follow, attendance is by invitation and registration only.  If you did not receive an invitation but wish to come, we would be happy to put you on stand-by, notifying you on Tuesday, January 7, if we still have space available.  Please send an email with your first and last name, title, and organization (if applicable) to chelsea@goodfriendinc.com, subject: I want to come to the "We ALL Fit" premiere.

Whether or not you're able to see the video with us live, you'll want to sing along.  Here are the lyrics, which by themselves are powerful poetry; and with the music, they're unforgettable.

Chorus 

When you look down on the world from a plane in the sky,
you can see that we're all part of a picture. You and I
are the pieces of a puzzle. Yeah, we're all connected;
leaning on each other - so much beauty unexpected.
We're all looking for a good friend - someone that we
can be ourselves with, who will encourage us to be
like one family. That's it!
The secret to the puzzle is knowing we all fit. 

Verse 1 

My favorite puzzles are pictures of people, plants, and the places
I've never been to. They're like portals into worlds and I'm waiting
for magic trees to invite me into the picture and take me
into a story about how I saved the world from a fire-
breathing dragon over lava. That'd be awesome, I know!
What if the planet was a puzzle? Where would all of us go?
I mean, what if you were a piece trying to fit in a spot,
and every time that you try, somebody tells you there's not
enough room for you - like you don't belong in the puzzle. What?!
That'd be tough, and that's why every one of us stands up
for the person and people looking to fit in this puzzle.
We ALL Fit. That's it! It shouldn't be such a struggle. 

Chorus 

Verse 2 

Autism isn't something that you catch.
It's not an itch than you can scratch.
It's like a hidden treasure, and here's a map
to help us all understand where we're at.
As we learn how to respond and react
to our friends with autism and the ways they may act.
As we learn to recognize the gifts they've been given
so that We can move together in one rhythm with ‘em -
back and forth, up and down.
We can rock our bodies and dance around.
We can try to see through each other's eyes.
It can be hard to do, but if we try -
Well, then we're one step closer to the treasure
of being a community and moving on together.
So find out all the ways that you can help.
And in the process you may even find yourself.
Good friends, let’s go! 

Chorus

Bridge 

Sometimes I feel lost and alone.
Wish I had a place that felt like home.
And if I had a friend -
someone who understood -
then that would make a difference,
a difference for the good.
Good friends, let's go! 

Chorus

© 2013 Good Friend, Inc. All rights reserved. 

Please share this song with your school, students, and community!  Help us create a culture of acceptance where children of all abilities are valued and included!

#GivingTuesday 2013

I hope your weekend has been as delightful as mine has been!  I've heard stories (mostly good ones) about Thanksgiving Thursday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and now Cyber Monday.  We want to hear YOUR story about Giving Tuesday!

Good Friend has taken its involvement in the #GivingTuesday movement up a notch for 2013.  We're now a partner in the 92Y Initiative to change the focus of this holiday shopping season from one of accumulating stuff to being charitable.  What do you give?  Time?  Talent?  Cash?  And why do you give it?  Why should others care about your cause?

Already this school year, Denise and I have presented our organization's message of autism awareness, acceptance, and empathy directly to more than 2,000 students.  We know we can reach another 3,000 before the summer break with the support of engaged, caring community members.  How can you help us today and/or tomorrow?

• By spreading the word about what we do, why it's important, and how schools can use our products and services to create cultures of acceptance.  
• By donating online at www.goodfriendinc.com.  Click on the Donate button.  (You don't need a PayPal account!)
• By sharing your #UNselfie using this image.

 Just print it, write the reason you support us in the blank, take your photo, and post it with the hashtags (including #GoodFriendInc) on your favorite social media outlets (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc.).

Here are the top five reasons why Denise and I give:

• kids with autism should be understood, not bullied.
• doing inclusion right means educating peers.
• every student in school, regardless of ability, deserves at least one good friend.
• playdates are rare and precious for our kids with ASD.
• birthday party invitations RULE.

The goal for our annual giving campaign will be met if we raise another $2,100.  We would greatly appreciate your support in helping us meet that goal!  Here's to #GivingTuesday!

"I want to see!"

Being the eldest of six children had its advantages when growing up.  Until ALL of my younger siblings eventually surpassed me in height, I could often see things before they could: the first snow falling outside our window, the next float coming down the parade route, the favorite animal exhibit at the zoo.  Invariably, one of my brothers or sisters would shout out, exasperated, "I want to see!"  Then we'd step back, or bring one of the little ones up higher so he or she could get a better look.

That was an accommodation we'd make, but sometimes we wouldn't think about it until after the child spoke up.

Temple's book was also made
into an HBO original movie.

So many people with autism have told us they're visual thinkers.  Instead of thinking in language as most of us neuro-typicals do, they think in pictures.  This isn't to say that all people with autism prefer pictures to language, but it is reasonable to assume, in case you either aren't able to ask or your person with autism isn't able to reply in a way you understand (yet), that visual supports are helpful for people with autism regardless of their age or verbal abilities.

You don't have to be a speech therapist, special education teacher, or autism support professional to create and use visual supports.  Granted, to implement this evidence-based practice to fidelity, you have to do your homework.  But let's say you're a parent getting ready for the weekend ... or a grandma trying to figure out how to communicate with her grandson ... or a student wanting to invite a friend to a party.  You can use visuals to make life better for each of you!

Think of the ways you use visual supports already.  Do you have a calendar on your wall somewhere?  If you're writing down appointments and events, you're using a visual support.  Do you have a list of things to do or buy?  Also a visual support.  How about an evite?  Another visual support!  They're good for organization, for independent functioning, and for multi-sensory approaches to learning.  And that goes for everyone.

So instead of waiting for your person with autism to ask for a visual support, start creating them!  And once you're using them successfully, think of other areas where this could be helpful -- a laminated check-off sheet for morning routines, a Time Timer for timed activities, breaking down multi-step projects, etc.).  Don't think that the practice is limited to PECS, but think alerts on iPads and notes in pockets and signs on doors.

Do you have a favorite way you've used visual supports successfully?  Please share with us and get the ideas going!  (And if you haven't been clicking on the links embedded in this posting, you might want to go back and start there.)  Meanwhile, I have to run.  I have to make a visual support that's going to show my son how well he's doing with his despised (but necessary and helpful!) exposure therapy.

Extending Dignity

So much as happened near and far in the past few days that remind me how much work we have to do  as an organization and as parents, and how much has already been done by so many autism advocates.  In the category of earth-shaking accomplishments, take Larry Bissonnette and Tracy Thresher of Wretches & Jabberers fame into account.  Today, these are internationally-known, world-traveling gentlemen who type to speak; but they were not presented with such an opportunity and training until they were well into adulthood.  They were presumed incompetent, unintelligent, and consequently institutionalized before they were able to relay their thoughts.  Through Gerardine Wurzburg's beautiful and powerful documentary, and the international speaking opportunities it continues to generate, Larry and Tracy are encouraging societies to extend dignity, presume competence, and realize that intelligence does not always look and sound the way we expect it to.

Find out more at http://dignityandrespect.org.

Shouldn't we be extending dignity to every human being around us, regardless of perceived intelligence?  Sometimes it seems as if only those who express their cognitive ability with reliable spoken language deserve such treatment.

I was encouraged by the hearts of the leadership and a select few parishioners at an urban church here in our area over the weekend.  Though this is a relatively small church, it has quite a few attendees with autism spectrum disorder.  One of the young men was ignored by a neurotypical peer recently when he attempted to make conversation, and that spurred the leadership to learn more about ASD so they could practice awareness, acceptance, and empathy within their own community.

I was discouraged by the words of a mother of adult twins with ASD, who described them to ABC News in this way: "In the spectrum, they're at the very bottom."  Now, I am more than willing to extend benefit of the doubt when it comes to out-of-context news editing.  But it made me sad to think that because New York City Marathon runners Jamie and Alex Schneider couldn't find a way to communicate verbally, they were "at the very bottom" in any way.  It seemed undignified to me, and I doubted they would describe themselves in a similar fashion, if empowered with the tools and training Larry and Tracy have been.

What's the point?, you ask.  Extend dignity.  Each of us is doing the best we can with the tools we have.  We all do better when we know better.  Assume those around you will do the same.  And do your best to bring them the tools that will inspire still more community members to extend them the dignity they deserve.

Pretending to be "normal"

Whether your neighborhood hosted trick-or-treaters already, or is gearing up for the swarm of costumed kiddos later this week, this is a time when many of us celebrate our children pretending to be other than who (or what) they are.  Sometimes the costumes are so elaborate or concealing, we cannot recognize our pals.  And some characters even assume their costumed persona while at the party or collecting candy.  There is, of course, no expectation that such charades will continue past Halloween.

Unfortunately, some individuals with autism feel as if we neurotypicals are asking them to engage in a perpetual charade.  Author and advocate Sarah Stup writes, "With too much asking us to be normal, we feel like impostors."  While I loved Miss Montana (2012) Alexis Wineman's platform for the 2013 pageant, "Normal is just a dryer setting," I recognize that as a parent I once had a goal for my children with ASD to be "normal".  I wanted them to be unrecognizable from their peers in the classroom.  What a foolish and narrow-minded aspiration.  One I'm glad the parents of Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, and other great minds, whose genius was inextricably tied to their suspected autism, didn't hold too tightly.

I am not suggesting that we don't push our children to be the best they can be.  Rather, I am insisting we respect who they are.

Consider how we all have to differentiate our choices based on environments and audiences.  When you're in the library, you respond to your environment differently than when you're at a parade.  When you're dressing for the symphony, it's likely in more formal attire than for your son's soccer game.  When you're interacting with your 8-year-old child's friends at her party, you adjust from the way you were interacting with your colleagues at work hours earlier.  Some of these adaptations are uncomfortable for us, and we breathe a sigh of relief when we can be "ourselves" again with the ones we love on our own "turf".

Yet those are all environments and circumstances that we choose.  Granted, we have more autonomy as adults, which is developmentally appropriate.  Naturally, children have less authority.  But they should not have less entitlement to being who they are.

If you want your child to be in a Scout troop to enhance his or her social ability, be sure your child has adequate support and preparation to participate in manner consistent with existing function.  If you want your child to be part of the extended family portrait, allow him to wear clothes that he prefers.  If you believe your child with autism should attend her cousin's wedding, don't expect her to be able to sit for an amount of time beyond what she's demonstrated to be comfortable for her.

These outings are all lovely ideas, and may have real benefit.  But think inclusively: What can you share with event coordinators that might make the event better received by everyone?  What adaptations can you make to respect your loved one with autism's limitations while leveraging her strengths?  Because asking your loved one with autism to pretend to be "normal" (whatever that means) is just not dignified.

So enjoy the extra-ordinary masquerade that is October.  But if you're still asking your student to don a figurative mask beyond the 31st, examine your motivations and appreciate the real person behind the facade.  And encourage others around him to do so as well.  Together, you can help him be the best him he can be!

"A Difference for the Good"

I could spend the next month's worth of blogs breaking down the lyrics of The Figureheads' original song, "We ALL Fit", written and produced for Good Friend's upcoming elementary school peer sensitivity film of the same title.  And each week I could focus on a phrase that has come to mean so much more to me over the process of observing the interactions on the film and music video sets.  But with the video scheduled to be available on YouTube within the next month, I don't want to infuse my own experiences into the song for you.  I want you to tell us your stories!

Jeremy Bryan, Dave Olson, and Greg Marshall
of The Figureheads on the set of our music video

Still, I can't resist these lines from the bridge:

And if I had a friend
Someone who understood
Then that would make a difference,
a difference for the good.

What difference has having a friend (or a group of friends) had in your life?  Go back to your elementary school days.  What about then?  What did it mean to you to have a friend?  Forget about trauma and tragedy, like parents divorcing or grandparents dying.  What if you didn't have a friend to get through the daily things, like learning to ride your bike?  Or letting you borrow a pencil when yours broke?  Or handing you a tissue when you were about to sneeze?

What if you wanted a friend desperately, but you were dropped into a new foreign language immersion school, and you didn't speak the language?  Now you need a friend more than ever, but you don't have the tools to connect.  You can't tell them about your interests and don't know how to ask them about theirs.

Consider for a moment that this is what it's like to have autism.  You don't speak the social language, and you don't understand the nonverbal components that are inherent in the customs of this neurotypical world.  But you need a friend.  Because you know that that would make a difference for the good.  Your friend would help you make sense of what you see and hear.  Your friend would stand up for you when others, unaware of the way your brain is wired, tease, belittle, and bully you.  Your friend would see when you need space and when you need support.

When one of the 9-year-old members of our cast heard the bridge for the first time, he told his mom, while rocking to self-regulate and connect to the music's beat, "That's just like me."  She and I had tears in our eyes as we pondered and observed, convicted by the simplicity and the heartbreak of the truth of it all.

Please consider today how you can encourage your typically-developing students to be a friend to a classmate with autism.  If you're not sure how to teach them to make a difference for the good, Good Friend would be happy to help!

Bullying vs. Disability Harassment

It's a busy month for Good Friend, Inc. - and with good reason.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month.  While Good Friend's autism awareness-acceptance-empathy services for staff and students aren't specifically about bullying, they are intended to prevent disability harassment.  So for as long as there isn't a Disability Harassment Prevention Month, we'll piggyback on the bullying movement.

What is the difference between bullying and disability harassment?
The definitions of bullying are as varied as the manifestations.  Many indicate that bullying behavior must be intentional and repeated.  We take issue with these qualifiers, because they seem to excuse the behavior of the student or staff member who was "just kidding" when they were teasing a child.  Furthermore, when a child hears similar jibes over and over, though they come from an individual only once, does that make the insult any less painful?  On the contrary -- when a child hears negative messages from several people, the false validity of these hurtful comments starts to erode feelings of self-worth.

Disability harassment is basically bullying on the basis of one's different abilities.  It comes in just as many (and more) forms as bullying, but targets the perceived weakness inherent in the disability.  In the cases of students with autism, those who harass often do so because they believe the student with autism has chosen or can choose how he/she responds to the environment.  In other words, they tease self-regulating behaviors, social missteps, communication differences, sensory processing differences, etc.  Sometimes it's with words.  Sometimes exclusion.  Sometimes it's physical.  ALL the time it's WRONG.

© 2005 iStockphoto LP. All rights reserved.

In fact, disability harassment is a violation of three federal laws: the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA 2004), Sec. 504 of the Rehab Act (1973), and Title II of the Americans with Disabilities Act (1990).

Why does it matter?
While definitions of bullying may differ, and regulations regarding bullying may vary on local and state levels, federal law regarding disability harassment trumps any confusion or ineffective practices.  For students, this becomes a matter of consideration in their Individualized Education Plans (IEPs).  If a student is afraid to go to school, or is placed in a more restrictive environment to "protect" against bullying behavior, this could be a denial of a free, appropriate public education (FAPE) in the least restrictive environment (LRE).  This is a civil rights issue -- not "kids being kids" or any other invalid attempt at rationalization of criminal behavior.

If you believe your student is being harassed, forward this document to your administrator with a specific example of the harassment and be sure to follow up.  If the school is not responding effectively, here is a chain of command for filing complaints -- all the way up to the Department of Justice.

Students with autism spectrum disorder have a right to be safe and respected at school.  Especially in those instances when they cannot speak up for themselves, we must be their voice and advocates.  Statistics indicate that nearly half of students with autism are bullied in school.  Assume the risk is real and do what you can to prevent it, or do what you must to correct it.  Let us know if we can help, and tell others what you're doing; share resources, encouragement, and positive stories!