Talking to Children about Talking

A couple weeks ago, I was with my 12-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son at a public park pool in our community.  It's generally a great place to connect with friends from school.  But not all children are friendly -- or at least they say some pretty unfriendly things.  One group of 14ish-year-olds made my son particularly upset when he tried to interact with them.  Seeing his anguish, a couple of them initiated personal apologies to him on their own.  And while that social bravery was impressive, it was like this illustration:

So while I'm thinking about it, I'd love to share with you parents and summer day camp directors and staff members a top five talking points list about encouraging healthy social interaction in the community -- especially because around 15% of the children they encounter will have some neurological difference, or invisible disability.

1. We are all different.  Some differences you can see, like hair color or wearing glasses.  Others you can't, because they're based in the brain.  Brain-based differences cause some children to perceive parts of their world ways most other people do not.  There's nothing "wrong" with their perception; it's just different.
2. While we are all different, we all want to belong.  Some kids are better at expressing their desire to be friends than others.  No matter what, no child wants to be told to "Go away" or hear "Leave me alone" when they're trying to make a social connection.  If you're already hanging out with a group of friends, consider inviting the child who approached you to hang out, too -- even if it's just for a few minutes.
3. If the child who approached you to play says something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him or her in a matter-of-fact but helpful way.  Better yet, give them a more appropriate thing to say or question to ask.  Often times, children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) have fewer social tools in their tool box, or may use them in a clumsy way.  They're trying; be respectful of their attempts, but also aware of your own boundaries.
4. Really consider how you would want to be treated if you were brought into a place where you didn't know anybody.  Some of your friends might think it's funny to mess with someone with a brain-based difference.  They might not think right away about how that child is understanding others' intentions. This might just seem playful to you or to them, but it's really called disability harassment; and it's against the law.
5. If you see or hear someone being treated in an unkind way, please bring it to the attention of a nearby responsible adult.  If that's at the pool, it's a lifeguard.  If it's at camp, it's a counselor.  Everyone has a right to feel safe and respected in our community.  At all times.  No matter what.

I am sure we all want our children to be good citizens.  I know that parents aren't always aware of how their children behave in a loosely-supervised social groups.  Remember that social emotional instruction is continuous and just as important this summer as finding a good book to read.

Autism and Peer Relationships in Early Childhood

In the state of Wisconsin, the average age for receiving an autism spectrum diagnosis is 4-1/2 years old (CDC, 2012).  By this time, while most parents report that their child later diagnosed with ASD exhibited symptoms before seeking a medical diagnosis, children should already have been receiving services through Birth to 3.  That being the case, many of these children transition into their school district's Early Childhood program (age 3-5, or kindergarten), where, hopefully, they have access to typically-developing peers.

In the case of my now adolescent children with autism, we are fortunate enough to live in a resource-rich area where my intentions to maximize their social and educational experiences were realized without extraordinary effort.  Sure, I had to serve as my daughter's "educational assistant" in a private day care when she was 3 years old because she wasn't yet toilet trained and required additional social support, but it provided opportunities for me as a mother to recognize what developmental areas required extra attention and focus on those in- and outside the day care setting.

One of those areas for both of my children was their relationship development.  When I was asked by neuropsychologists during their diagnostic interviews how many "friends" my children had, I guess I wasn't so sure of the definition.  It was loosely described to me during the evaluation process as particular same-aged peers whose company they sought out or enjoyed.  Having no "normal" baseline before I observed my children with their classmates, I assumed the parallel play my 4-year-olds engaged in was age-appropriate.  But by the definition of friendship in a recent textbook I was reviewing in preparation for a guest lecture, my children with ASD had no friends.

However, I think we need to measure and define friendship a little differently for our students with ASD.  If we can base friendships on shared interests, mutual admiration, and general good will (versus willingness to share, the ability to enter play situations, and solve conflicts, for example), then it will be easier to pair typically-developing students with their classmates with autism.  Students with ASD may be unskilled at initiating social interactions, but that proclivity my 3-year-old daughter had to pet her classmate's long, silky hair both satisfied a sensory input desire and served as a greeting.  My 4-year-old son's proximal babbling with eye contact demonstrated to his classmate that he wanted to communicate with him.  These, in my opinion, are the seeds of relationships and should be celebrated as such.

So the next time you see a 3- to 5-year-old with autism in the vicinity of neurotypical peers, encourage the budding healthy interactions without concern about the quality or duration.  Keep rewarding efforts to engage peers while teaching social understanding and motivating students with ASD.  The baby steps you take in these early years are the training exercises for the races they'll run as they get into intermediate elementary education and beyond.

What precious "friendship skills" have you noticed in your young students with autism?