Happy Holidays!

I will be refraining from writing a blog entry this week and next to celebrate the season with my family.

If you have enjoyed or benefited from reading these posts, what a lovely reciprocal gift!  Many of you have sent encouraging remarks over the past year, telling me of the ways you're promoting Good Friend's Awareness-Acceptance-Empathy message.  From posting entries on your office door to using specific pieces as discussion platforms during staff meetings, you are putting words into action.  For that I thank you!

Photograph: Andreas Kuehn/Getty

During this final week of 2012, I encourage you to help us promote our mission through your charitable gift.  Donations postmarked by December 31st can be mailed to Good Friend, Inc., 808 Cavalier Dr., Waukesha WI 53186.  Online donations (click on the Donate button) will be accepted through midnight EST.

Warmest wishes to you and yours for a holiday filled with understanding and friendship!

A Spectrum of Friends

First, to honor the lives of the students and staff lost in the Sandy Hook community in Connecticut ...  There is no amount of explanation that will heal hearts, but we hope our prayers for the survivors and tears for the slain will resound across miles and time.

This week's topic was to be based on friendship in elementary school -- a follow-up to last week's thoughts regarding peer relationships in early childhood.  It seems now, with these budding first grade friendships forever frozen, a respectful tribute of sorts.

There are three main considerations of peer relationships in elementary school as they apply to students with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).  First, that they are a necessary part of social-emotional development and mental health.  Second, that they will exist, but perhaps to a differing depth and breadth than their neurotypical (NT) peers will experience.  And finally, that they should be specifically developed and nurtured for mutual benefit.

As we look at the determinants of quality of life for adults living with autism, we notice that connections in the community are key.  Jobs, recreational opportunities, and social/familial relationships help us, whether we have typically-wired brains or not.  Learning to form and derive enjoyment from these connections starts in elementary school.  Tony Attwood, author of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome and a world-renowned clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of individuals with ASD, notes that the ages of 4 to 6 years are critical for motivating these early friendship skills.  While social impairment is a diagnostic criteria for an ASD diagnosis, it doesn't mean that relationships are less important to the development of someone with autism.  It helps to understand, however, that these relationships may look different than those between NT peers.

Many individuals with autism prefer to interact with people either younger or much older than they.  In the case of elementary school students, the 3rd grader may gravitate toward 1st graders on the playground; or the 2nd grader may bond with his speech-language pathologist versus his classmate.  In the case of the former, delayed social maturity may play a role, as well as a sense of competence around less-complicated unwritten social rules.  For the student who prefers to socialize with adults, contributing factors could include a penchant for specialized conversational topics (i.e., migratory patterns of birds or dinosaurs of the Mesozoic Era), an acceptance or level of patience not experienced among peers, or a gravitation to the familiar (in the instance of children receiving many hours per week of adult-driven therapies and interventions).

Whatever those early connections are, channel them into platforms for generalizing positive social behaviors.  Speech therapists can use the foundations of these friendships to seed new social skills, such as turn taking in conversation or noticing tone of voice and body language.  Since words only account for (at best) a third of our communication, "speech" skills are inextricably tied to these social nuances so elusive to our friends with autism.

So maybe elementary school-aged children with autism might not have the quantity of friends their NT classmates have, but the quality of their early friendships is immeasurable.  They are the building blocks of critical social development, eventually contributing toward peer acceptance and positive self-image.

And we should not ignore the benefit that students with typical brain development derive from these opportunities to learn, relate, and grow.  One of my son's very first friends was able to decrease his own school-related anxiety by focusing on the help he provided to my boy.  Studies on Peer-Mediated Instruction and Intervention programs have demonstrated that specifically-trained mentors achieve better academically and feel more fulfilled because of their engagement in these relationships.  They become less self-absorbed and more empathetic.  They develop leadership skills and flexibility -- traits which will eventually make them more employable, as well.

Ultimately, children with autism should have a spectrum of friends: ones they can share their special interests with, ones who help them be the best social being they can be by gently pushing development of new skills, ones they can feel competent with at their social-emotional level, and ones who accept them right where they're at, regardless of outward manifestations of their autism.  Are we as NTs any different in our need for a diverse friend base?

Autism and Peer Relationships in Early Childhood

In the state of Wisconsin, the average age for receiving an autism spectrum diagnosis is 4-1/2 years old (CDC, 2012).  By this time, while most parents report that their child later diagnosed with ASD exhibited symptoms before seeking a medical diagnosis, children should already have been receiving services through Birth to 3.  That being the case, many of these children transition into their school district's Early Childhood program (age 3-5, or kindergarten), where, hopefully, they have access to typically-developing peers.

In the case of my now adolescent children with autism, we are fortunate enough to live in a resource-rich area where my intentions to maximize their social and educational experiences were realized without extraordinary effort.  Sure, I had to serve as my daughter's "educational assistant" in a private day care when she was 3 years old because she wasn't yet toilet trained and required additional social support, but it provided opportunities for me as a mother to recognize what developmental areas required extra attention and focus on those in- and outside the day care setting.

One of those areas for both of my children was their relationship development.  When I was asked by neuropsychologists during their diagnostic interviews how many "friends" my children had, I guess I wasn't so sure of the definition.  It was loosely described to me during the evaluation process as particular same-aged peers whose company they sought out or enjoyed.  Having no "normal" baseline before I observed my children with their classmates, I assumed the parallel play my 4-year-olds engaged in was age-appropriate.  But by the definition of friendship in a recent textbook I was reviewing in preparation for a guest lecture, my children with ASD had no friends.

However, I think we need to measure and define friendship a little differently for our students with ASD.  If we can base friendships on shared interests, mutual admiration, and general good will (versus willingness to share, the ability to enter play situations, and solve conflicts, for example), then it will be easier to pair typically-developing students with their classmates with autism.  Students with ASD may be unskilled at initiating social interactions, but that proclivity my 3-year-old daughter had to pet her classmate's long, silky hair both satisfied a sensory input desire and served as a greeting.  My 4-year-old son's proximal babbling with eye contact demonstrated to his classmate that he wanted to communicate with him.  These, in my opinion, are the seeds of relationships and should be celebrated as such.

So the next time you see a 3- to 5-year-old with autism in the vicinity of neurotypical peers, encourage the budding healthy interactions without concern about the quality or duration.  Keep rewarding efforts to engage peers while teaching social understanding and motivating students with ASD.  The baby steps you take in these early years are the training exercises for the races they'll run as they get into intermediate elementary education and beyond.

What precious "friendship skills" have you noticed in your young students with autism?

Giving Tuesday

Have you heard of this concept?  There's Black Friday the day after Thanksgiving which generally helps big box retail; and Small Business Saturday follows that, whereby consumers are encouraged to "shop small" and patronize their local retailers.  Today is Cyber Monday, and I'm sure many of you are postponing reading this week's blog to get all the online deals.

Tomorrow is an important day for autism awareness, acceptance, and empathy.  At least it is to us at Good Friend.  Giving Tuesday is about looking at the bigger picture -- drawing back from the sales and the hype and considering how you want to make a difference.  How do you want to give?  Do you want to give of your time to your favorite cause?  Do you want to donate on behalf of someone on your gift list?  Do you want to purchase something that supports your beliefs?  Do you want to share your priorities?

Good Friend is drawing very near to reaching directly its 20,000th person with its awareness-acceptance-empathy message.  This has happened because you have given.  If you've purchased a DVD, you are both sharing the message with others through the use of the peer sensitivity film and helping us to teach students to be good friends to their classmates with autism.

So on this Giving Tuesday, please honor our 501(c)(3) nonprofit: Buy a t-shirt for your favorite service provider or relative, make a donation in honor of a loved one with autism, or share our mission with your Facebook and twitter contacts.  We are so thankful for your support!

I speak autism!

As part of Good Friend's Peer Sensitivity Workshops, Denise and I conduct phone interviews with the primary caregiver and most relevant staff member so we can get an understanding of how our student subject "ticks".  We have a prescribed form we go through, typing answers and sometimes delving deeper into comments as we go along.  I often find myself chuckling at many of the described behaviors.  Clearly, the interviewee doesn't find these eccentricities nearly as charming as I do.  As a result, I can sense the parent's or teacher's confusion on the other end of the call about my lighthearted giggle.  Sometimes, I have to explain.

I have two children with ASD, ages 13 and 11.  And I've met dozens and dozens of individuals with autism through my experiences, both personal and professional.  As I make connections about these amazing people and consider the factors driving many of their behaviors (preferences, aversions, repetitive acts, etc.), I can't help but feel blessed to know them and understand the meaning of these behaviors.

For example, I've heard about so many children with ASD, boys in particular, who do not like babies.  I've come to understand that babies present a host of unpredictable sensory experiences (i.e., loud crying, smelly spit-up and messy diapers) that make being in their presence anxiety-provoking for these guys.  This is true for my own son, who has several young cousins -- many of whom have gone rather "unappreciated" by my boy until, perhaps as preschoolers, they're ready to show some interest in his favorite topics.  So these moments of his endearingly awkward interactions flash before my eyes as I'm talking to these teachers and parents, and I have to smile.  Sometimes out loud.

But making connections and understanding how people with autism are wired doesn't mean that autism is my native language.  I speak it because of cultural immersion, but I wasn't born with autism in my body.  So while this immersion makes me fluent in autism, it doesn't make a true expert.  Certainly, I can interpret autism for neuro-typicals who don't speak the language themselves, but the best way to understand autism is to interact with the experts.

Not sure why your person with autism behaves in a specific way?  ASK (politely in a moment of calm and clarity)!  You might be surprised about the insight you gain and the level of self-awareness your person has.  Little or no reliable means of communication yet?  Play detective!  The Iceberg Model of Autism (Eric Schopler, TEACCH, 1994) reminds us that the observable behavior is just the tip of the iceberg, and what's beneath those acts is generally a combination of environmental contributors (sensory perception, social or processing differences, etc.).  Listen actively.

What discoveries have you made as you've learned the language and culture of autism?

The Power of Compliments

This week, I'm going back to Tony Attwood's presentation ...

So many of the things he said during last week's seminar resonate beyond the population of individuals with ASD.  He spoke of the importance of compliments in relationships, particularly as they apply to romantic relationships.  In fact, nearly 15 years ago, he worked with Carol Gray to develop a prescription of sorts for compliment formulation and delivery for adults with ASD, available through this download.  The argument for the necessity of such a manual is rooted in both the complexity and the benefits of compliments.

submitted by Gagandeep

The definition seems straight-forward enough:

com·pli·ment/ˈkämpləmənt/

 

Noun:

A polite expression of praise or admiration.

But the practicing of compliment delivery is littered with subtleties that sometimes we neuro-typicals take for granted.  Questions arise:  How many compliments should I give in a specific time frame?  And what should I compliment someone on?  Does it matter if the compliment is given to a man or woman?  Are certain compliments inappropriate to give to a stranger, but okay for a close friend? ... and many more.

When we were developing Good Friend's curriculum for Peer Sensitivity Workshops five years ago, we were inspired by Ellen Sabin's inclusion of an exercise in The Autism Acceptance Book that encourages classmates to compliment each other.  When we practiced this in schools, we were dismayed by how difficult it was for elementary school-aged students to understand and deliver compliments.  They, particularly the girls, have little trouble complimenting an article of clothing or a hairstyle, but speaking about character or skills in a kind way is clearly not an inherent ability for most students.

Imagine how much more difficult it can be, then, for these NT peers to compliment their classmate with ASD!  With the societal disorder of seeing differences as deficiencies, looking for the expressions of praise or admiration for a person with autism seems foreign.  But when given the proper focus on a person's strengths instead of his weaknesses, the compliments flow freely.  And since Tony Attwood notes that people on the spectrum crave positive feedback and are desperate for respect and value, we who surround these individuals should be lavishing compliments on them as well.

What was the last compliment you gave your person with ASD?

"You're smart when you're calm."

Thankfully for me and my personal and professional life, there is no shortage of brilliance in the autism universe.  I've had the privilege, beginning in 2004, to see dozens of people through conferences and seminars who've become my autism heroes over the years.  Their knowledge of autism and related experience has made me a better mother and educator.

Tony Attwood's was the first presentation I attended.  At the time, I had a five-year-old son with PDD-NOS and a three-year-old daughter with Asperger's.  I just attended a seminar last week and enjoyed another entire day of Dr. Attwood's rich teaching, five years into Good Friend on the professional side and now the mom of a 13-year-old and an 11-year-old on the personal side.

One of the things clinical psychologist Dr. Attwood reminds his patients with ASD is that they're smarter when they're calm.  If they can keep their anger and anxiety levels low, they'll be able to think more clearly.  He compares that frontal lobe of the brain to a filing cabinet full of past conflicts and resolutions.  When the emotional fervor rises, it locks the cabinet and access is denied.  So if an IQ test were administered in this emotionally wrought state, the measure would be significantly lower than if the person were able to access that important information.  It's not that the person's intelligence is lost, but that it's not functional.

The truth of Dr. Attwood's statement resonates beyond the population of people with ASD to those of us with "typically-developing" brains.  As parents, when we get flustered by our children's behavior, we may respond by raising our voices, executing ineffective punishments, or making impractical threats or promises in the heat of the moment.  Teachers, some of whom are chronically under-supported in their challenging roles, may resort to the abhorrent practice of bullying themselves, and could even get so stressed out that they manifest symptoms associated with trauma.

Thankfully, there are plenty of preventative measures and practices that can help us all remain calm, and therefore smarter during crises.  Simple breathing exercises, over-practiced during calm times, can be very handy when stress levels rise.  Those who practice yoga, meditation, and/or visualization, or use guided imagery (even Cognitive Picture Rehearsal for our students who need visual supports), also report better quality of life.  Progressive Muscle Relaxation may help identify tense areas of the body and then release that tension.  And whenever possible, taking a weekend away or finding some respite care can provide a whole new perspective when returning to a challenge.

What do you do to stay smart during a crisis?  How have you helped your child develop and access coping strategies?